It's still very difficult for me to become friends with you in 2014, even though I realized again today that you actually mean well towards me. You force me to “slow down” when I’ve overwhelmed myself again – with people or situations. When I once again put others before my well-being and allowed myself to be “filled up”. Yes, I admit, I always want to “function” and not show any weakness – that’s fine – you’re right! Couldn’t you just make me a little “harder” and take away some of this hypersensitivity?
Yes, I know you mean well for me, but does it always have to hurt so much and throw me off track? This time you're also incredibly "employer-friendly" and are coming on the weekend... I know a lot has to change this year and I promise you that I'll really go out of my way to make it happen. But what should I do, even if I suffer from my job because they have “stigmatized” me because I am different and because of illness I am no longer as productive as I used to be, that they bombard me with “personnel interviews” and not yet 40 wanted to deport into the EU pension, so I can't just throw everything away?
You know, dear Migraine, I work very hard on myself because I know I can't change other people, only myself and believe me, it's a lot of hard work to keep motivating yourself to keep reaching out to others. They exclude me, they ignore me, I am just a burden to my employer – just “tolerated”. People only talk about “duty of care” – in reality, they don’t want to do anything for me, as the last few years have shown again and again.
You know, dear Migraine, I always defended myself, showed myself to be strong, but it cost me a lot of strength and a lot of tears (secretly cried). I did NOT allow myself to be defeated, I did NOT give in, even though I was treated like the worst thing. You know, I don't want to complain at all because I don't know life other than having to fight. But couldn't there be a little peace now? I'm slowly no longer knowing where I'm supposed to get my strength from... I'm always so exhausted, I almost can't get up in the morning (anymore), my sleep leaves a lot to be desired despite the medication, I'm just not recovered. The worry about the future and how long I can keep it up sometimes doesn't let me go, even if I know that somehow it will keep going.
You know, dear Migraine, somewhere I should really be grateful to you, that's the conclusion of this letter. Because you show me the boundaries that I no longer observed myself, that I am no longer aware of. I also found - what a stroke of luck and what a gift from God - a really great group - also a really great group on Facebook and I found such valuable tips on prevention and how to deal with you. At the end of last year I was finally able to start doing some endurance sports again and I manage not to let it put me under pressure, I do it without any “stress” and I notice that it's good for me, it's a good balance all the others. Your head becomes “free” and your thoughts don’t go on a rollercoaster – there’s finally some peace and quiet, and even you dear migraine finally has a “break from broadcasting”. You see, I am caring – even to you. That's why I'm giving you and my head peace today, because you have me firmly under control again.
The bottom line is that you, dear migraine, also have something good in all the bad - you are like a "stop sign", a "warning signal" - the red light like a traffic light that shows "STOP - THAT WAS TOO MUCH". So I'm trying to get out of what hurts - namely to give you a positive conclusion - thank you for your care. My bed is calling and the dark room.
Thanks for everything, you're not as stupid as I thought.